


Love Love Kill Kill

by Ascel



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Eurovision, Humor, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-11-02 04:39:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10937184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ascel/pseuds/Ascel
Summary: "The next contestant," Hux says into microphone, "is Norway, represented by the Knights of Ren, who like to keep themselves mysterious and masked. The song was written and composed by the lead singer, Kylo Ren, and is aptly calledKill the voices. I do hope he didn't write that one from experience."---Or: Hux is the Irish commentator for the Eurovision song contest, hates his job, and hates Kylo Ren more.





	Love Love Kill Kill

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The_Marron](https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Marron/gifts).



Commenting the Grand Final of Eurovision is less fun than one could think, mostly because it involves spending four hours in small technical booth with only Phasma for company, being subjected to music of questionable quality, overdramatic performances and glitter. And he's still expected to talk somewhat coherently about it all.

The things one does for one's country.

"The next contestant," Hux says into microphone, "is Norway, represented by the Knights of Ren, who like to keep themselves mysterious and masked. The song was written and composed by the lead singer, Kylo Ren, and is aptly called _Kill the voices_. I do hope he didn't write that one from experience."

 

 

The first time Hux saw Kylo Ren hadn't been in person. Actually, it had been before the whole week long circus of the Eurovision, though not by much. He had been preparing himself for the task of commenting all of this ridiculousness and looking up this year's contestants. Obviously, he hadn't been expecting it to end like it did.

Norway's representatives had certainly stood out, even among the Eurovision crowd. And since that crowd included a gorilla and a man in a hamster wheel, and _they_ weren't even the weirdest ones, it was quite an achievement.

But the Knights of Ren were nothing if not memorable. Seven tall figures, dressed all in black, with masks that glowed violet. The singer was apparently called Kylo Ren, though there was no way anyone would be able to tell him apart from his band members. His voice wasn't half bad, blending with electronic music, but the lyrics were insane. The rest of the band were presumably going to the contest to pretend they were playing instruments and drink. Hux rolled his eyes a little and didn't think of them again.

In retrospect, that had been a mistake.

 

 

On a stage, Kylo Ren closes the last note, and the audience erupts in applause. He is maskless now, having taken it off during the performance, and when he smiles the cheers only grow stronger.

"And now I feel like I've been too sober for this," Hux says. "Well, if that song was about love or peace instead of, you know, killing, they might've had a better chance. Of course, Sweden will still vote for them."

"Next up," he continues, "we have England, with yet another ballad. If you need a bathroom break, now would be a very good moment. It's obligatory."

Hux takes off his headset and turns to Phasma.

"Please tell me we have some alcohol here."

 

 

The second time he saw Kylo Ren had been at rehearsals before the semi-finals and Hux hadn't recognized him. He had been mostly bored, suffering through off-pitch singing and clearly gag performances he was sure the audience would love, and dying for a smoke. He was trying to sneak out and avoid Phasma, using one of the back corridors, when he ran into tall, dark and handsome.

Quite literally, because said man was sitting curled up on a floor, holding his head in his hands and breathing heavily. Hux, who had been more focused on his phone and writing a threatening message to Mitaka than watching what had been before him, had tripped over the forlorn figure.

"What the fuck," Hux swore, looking at a dark shape which apparently came straight from the void and definitely shouldn't be here. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Uhm," the man said and lifted his head up and blinked at Hux with large, brown, doe eyes. They were a little rimmed with red, but the rest of his face was really unnecessarily attractive, which did nothing to lessen Hux's surprise. Or convince him this wasn't some apparition brought upon him by too much glitter and songs about love.

"I, ah," the apparition continued hesitantly, "I, sorry, I needed some time away?"

Hux narrowed his eyes. As far as lies went, this was a particularly bad one.

"This is a closed rehearsal," he said. "So if you're here to snoop, I suggest you get lost before I call the security."

"What? No!" The man protested, standing up. He was, irritatingly, an inch or so taller than Hux. "I'm a singer! I just came here to get away from the noise, okay?"

"Bullshit," Hux said. "I know all of the singers and you aren't one of them. Will you leave on your own or shall I really call someone to escort you out?"

The man looked angry now, crowding Hux in against the wall with his very wide, very nice shoulders. Clearly well-muscled. Hux didn't think how good they would've looked out of these baggy clothes and under his hands.

"Yeah, go ahead, you asshole," the man growled. "I'm the representative for Norway, they won't throw me out. And who the fuck are you?"

Hux bit down an angry retort. It was possible that this was, in fact, Kylo Ren from Norway. He had been masked on all the promotional material Hux had seen, so he wouldn't recognise him, but the height and musculature were about right. Which really didn't make it very smart to threaten him with security. Hux probably should apologize.

"Yeah, I thought so," Ren scoffed, and then stormed off, shouldering Hux on his way.

Hux immediately stopped feeling bad for his mistake. What an asshole.

 

 

The English ballad is wrapping up, so Hux has to put down his drink. Which is a shame, because he really could use it.

He puts his headset back on.

"Well, next we have Sweden," he says. "They brought another disgustingly photogenic man in hopes of scoring victory. Unfortunately for them, the country with most victories is still Ireland. Which is us."

Well, at least the Swedish hottie wasn't as disgustingly attractive as Ren.

 

 

Kylo Ren did take off his mask during the rehearsal performance of the Kinghts, and he turned out to really be the man from the corridor. Which, whatever, it wasn't like Hux wouldn't had recognised him if the man didn't keep himself masked like some crusader from 12th century.

His voice had been really nice though, a sort of deep, smooth baritone, better without the mask. Better than the song, honestly.

And, okay, so maybe Hux did feel a little bad about threatening one of the contestants with security, so he tried to be civil when they ran into one another before the semi-final.

"Ren," he said, nodding his head.

"Asshole," he got in return. With a smirk to match.

Well, so much for being civil.

Hux stiffened and put on his best sneer.

"Oh, yes. Apologies." He reverted to his most obnoxious British accent. It just worked so well when he wanted to verbally wipe the floor with someone. Maybe it channelled the imperialistic bastardy. "I didn't recognise you the other day, with the mask and all. I'm assuming it's to hide your face? It is rather unfortunate."

Ren went red and his mouth wobbled, like he was holding back a pout. Hux could almost imagine it, because Ren's lips were just the kind to pout. They were very red and looked nice and soft and would looked even better around...

No. No, bad brain, he would not go there.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Ren exploded, lips trembling.

Hux groaned internally. Why did he have to notice the lips. And the eyes. And the hair, which was actually really nice and looked soft and was the perfect length to grab onto.

Shame it was attached to Ren.

"There is nothing wrong with me," Hux said instead. "I'm not the one dressing up as a scarecrow for a silly song contest."

Ren opened his mouth, indignant, and then closed it with a snap. "Oh, fuck you," he muttered, and stomping away.

That's the problem, Hux thought. He did want to fuck Ren.

 

 

"And that was Australia, which is traditionally a very European country," Hux says, not bothering to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. "They have this unfortunate tendency to take this contest very seriously."

"And now we will have France, with a very French song in a very French set up, in case you had doubts. I'm sure someone, somewhere will like it."

And the Ireland didn't qualify for the final. At this point, Hux thinks darkly, Norway is really turning out to be his favourite contestant.

 

 

Ren performed even better at the semi-final, with smooth voice and sad, sad eyes for voters to fall in love with. There wasn't any doubt he would get to finals.

Hux hated him.

 

 

"And we wrap up with this very interesting performance," Hux states blandly into a mic. "If anyone works out what's up with the horse, then you can let me know."

"And now we will have voting, which the charming hosts will surely explain." Hux, in this moment, feels very grateful for being Irish and not having to do live translation of hosts endless chatter. "I'm assuming you know what to do. Just don't vote for England."

Hux takes off his headset and sighs, stretching his back. The voting process gives him a fifteen minute break, maybe, and then it's just announcing who gave twelve points to whom and the whole ridiculous thing is over, at least for another year.

And, when it's over, he won't ever see Ren again, which also should be a relief. Ren is an asshole with ridiculous face and Hux should be glad to get rid of him.

He very much wants to see him again.

 

 

The waiting area for the contestants, which the hosts are very optimistically calling the green room, looks like it was taken out of sci-fi summer flick. The lounges are round and futuristic. Hux looks at them and thinks of eggs.

The contestants are spread around chatting with their teams, curing their nerves with alcohol. In few minutes the cameras will be back on them.

Hux walks up to Norway's lounge.

"Ren," he says.

A masked head turns to him slowly. There is no other reaction.

Hux blinks. It's clearly not his Ren, but he doesn't have any idea which of the Knights it may be. Or if he - or she, who knows - even speaks English.

"Uh," he says eloquently, "I'm looking for Kylo?"

The masked head points vaguely in a direction of backstage corridors.

"Thank you?" Hux risks.

The head nods.

Well, it looks like he will just have to run with it. Maybe his Ren really is there, or maybe other knights are waiting for him there, ready to commit murder in name of their leader, but Hux clearly is getting no further clarification.

Sadly, this isn't even the most bizarre conversation he had today.

He moves into a maze of corridors, avoiding overly bright lights, glitter and feathers. The backstage is full of rushed movements, even now, though people are generally more drunk and more likely to run into walls or each other than  they were at the beginning of the finale.

Well, it's not like Hux is entirely sober, either.

He also has no idea what Kylo Ren might be doing back here, or why, or where. The stadium is big, he's on a timeclock, and he doesn't know where he's going. So it looks like his best bet would be to just start strutting angrily, hoping to run into Ren lying somewhere.

Obviously, the moment he contemplates that is the moment Ren chooses to appear.

"Hux," he mumbles from where he's sitting against the wall, which - what's with him and being sprawled on the floor, anyway? And since when does he know Hux's name?

"Hux, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be, like-" he makes a vague motion pointing up with his hand, and Hux can see where his knight has gotten it from, "-up there?" There is glitter in Ren's shiny, soft hair, and make up smudged around his eyes, and he's clearly drunk, and he still looks unfairly beautiful.

"You know," Hux says slowly, "I could ask you the same thing." Actually telling Ren he came to find him seems like a little bit too much. Ren’s knight will probably tell him later, if he or she even speaks, but maybe by then they both will have drunk enough to forget all of this.

Ren just blinks up at him. "Yeah," he swallows. "I kinda feel like we've been here before."

Yes. Yes, they had.

"Yes, well," Hux clears his throat. "We may have started poorly."

"You mean you're an asshole," Ren says, smirking. Amused.

Hux scowls. "And you're so much better."

"Yeah, maybe," Ren shrugs. "You still haven't told me why you're here."

And Hux, well, Hux doesn't know how to answer that, because he would like to know himself. Why he's here, why he went out to search for Ren, why now he can only helplessly watch him, all the lovely long lines and the contrasts, pale skin against the dark.

Ren licks his lips. Hux, following the motion with his eyes, finds his throat suddenly dry.

"Get up," he says.

Ren does, still watching Hux carefully with those dark, dark eyes. He's standing, if somewhat unsteadily, so Hux pushes him against the wall and kisses him aggressively, because Ren's face is as ridiculous as this competition, with his eyes and lips and hair, and Hux _wants_.

Ren responds enthusiastically, opening his mouth and letting Hux in. He wraps his arms around Hux's waist, pulling him closer, and kisses back, and yes, yes this is good.

"Oh God," Ren gasps out between the kisses. "I wanted to do this since you found me in that corridor. Do you have any idea how hot you are when you're bossy?"

Ren, with his stupid face, is the one to talk, Hux thinks darkly.

He doesn't answer, and bites on Ren's lip instead. Ren moans in response, and the sound sends shivers down Hux's spine. He wants to press Ren down further into a wall, lick into his mouth and devour him. He also has to get back to commenting in a minute.

Stepping away feels like a tremendous effort.

Ren stays leaning against the wall, with dishevelled hair and red, shiny lips. He's watching Hux with dark, half-lidded eyes and not touching him feels painful.

"So if I win this thing," Ren says with a cocky smirk. "Will you give me your number?"

"If you win," Hux agrees.

 

 

The voting ends with a victory of a cute, biracial couple from Hungary, who sang a heartfelt song about love and finding one another. Or so Hux assumes, since it didn't have a word in English. But it was good, musically, and they both had nice voices, so Hux can live with it.

He still gives Ren his number.

 

 

The morning - or, well, let's be honest here, the afternoon - after the Grand Final of Eurovision, lying in bed and tracing idle patterns on Ren's back, Hux asks.

"No, but really, why have you been singing about killing on Eurovision? Ran out of songs about love and peace?"

"I joined a cult when I was younger," Ren answers sleepily, "and, I don't know, it felt like the thoughts in my head weren't my own anymore? And it was hard to get rid of them, after I left." He shrugs. "So I don't know, I guess I wanted the song to be based on something real?"

Hux swears.

**Author's Note:**

> All the similarity to real people and events is entirely coincidental and I own nothing.
> 
> Obviously, this work is pure crack and exists mostly thanks to Marron, who planted the idea in my head. There are several references to real Eurovision performances, and some of Hux's comments are inspired by the Polish commentator of Eurovision, who is wonderfully snarky. Kylo's song is inspired by this year's Norway's song, as you might've guessed.
> 
> The winners are Finn and Rey, of course. I also headcanon that Kylo is actually a very good artist, comes back to Eurovision a few years later and wins with a song about finding oneself, love, and not at all about Hux, his sarcastic husband. Hux hates it even more.
> 
> Come say hi to me on [tumblr](http://dobranocka.tumblr.com/), I need to follow more people there.


End file.
